


Help Me Help You

by DarkMad



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Depression, Hurt, M/M, Mental Illness, Sad, Suicide Attempt, aged up Ciel, reocvery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-09
Updated: 2018-09-09
Packaged: 2019-07-08 20:29:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15937712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkMad/pseuds/DarkMad
Summary: An accident changes Ciel's life forever. His life seems to be falling apart like the glass from that car window. The question is, can someone pick up the pieces?





	Help Me Help You

**Author's Note:**

> I was having a rough night and decided to write a short story. This isn't so short lol, hope you enjoy :)
> 
> Song recs:  
> All Through The Night by Sleeping At Last  
> Everywhere I Go by Sleeping At Last  
> Where's My Love by SYML  
> Saturn by Sleeping At Last

Ciel remembered every single thing that was said to him just a few hours ago. He couldn’t think of anything, couldn’t get their laughs and their pointed fingers out of his mind. He thought he would escape the bullying in college, but apparently people were shit no matter where you went.

_“Woah, watch it freak!”_

Ciel missed his brother. He missed the protection he’d provide through elementary and middle school. When kids would try to disparage him for his eyepatch, his twin would always make them go away. But now, his brother was pursuing a different career path, and after a heartbreaking decision to split up, Ciel was left alone. He didn’t blame his brother at all, he was extremely proud of him for getting accepted into the college of his dreams, but the selfish part of him wished he was there to protect him.

_“He probably couldn’t see you with only one eye. I’m surprised he could even make it up the stairs!”_

Maybe if Ciel had worked a little harder, he could’ve pursued a career in business like his brother. Maybe if he did that, he would be somewhere happy, working on some project and having his brother at his side for support. That sounded nice. Actually, anything sounded better than standing there, looking at himself in the mirror as tears streaked down his face. Even death.

_“I can’t believe the school accepted this charity case.”_

It was the accident. His mom was singing loudly to the radio and his dad was distracted by the love of his life. His brother was singing along with his mom and Ciel was looking out the window. Then there was a loud crash, and the next thing Ciel knew, there was no glass in his window. His right eye hurt a lot. When he looked with his good eye to the rest of the car, he saw the blurry figure of his brother shaking his mom’s lifeless arm. His dad wasn’t moving either, his head stuck on the horn and making Ciel’s migraine even worse. Then everything went blurry. Then dark.

_“Life would be better off without him. I don’t think there’s anyone that would miss him, anyways.”_

When Ciel woke up he was in the hospital. His brother was at his side, asleep on his left arm. Ciel couldn’t open his right eye and began shaking, the heart monitor speeding up rapidly and beeping erratically. His brother woke up with a start and began comforting him. He explained what had happened. His mom was dead. His dad was dead. Both died upon impact. The doctor said his eye was severely damaged, and even after surgery, there was no hope in repairing it. It was completely removed. 

_“You’re right, I’ve never seen him with another person. Well, besides his roommate. Poor guy, I would’ve hate to be stuck with that thing.”_

The first time he saw his eye after the accident, he screamed. He was horrified by the ugly hole that was now apart of him. Ciel would never let anyone see this, not even his brother. He didn’t want his brother to become disgusted by him. He was all he had left.

_“Honestly, he should just kill himself.”_

Now Ciel stood in his shared bathroom, hands shaking the pill bottle in his hand and making an annoying rattling noise. He stared at himself in the mirror, his one eye red and puffy and his other an empty void. He was supposed to be cleaning the wound, making sure the tissue was healing correctly and not infected. He couldn’t bring himself to do it. He was a freak. Everyone was right.  
Ciel unscrewed the bottle and peered inside. White pills stared back at him, the ones that were supposed to save his life, not end it. How ironic. If only his therapist could see him now. Ciel poured the pills into his hand and closed his fist. He could end everything right now. No more fighting the thoughts in his head. No more bullying. No more being away from his parents. It sounded so peaceful. So enticing. 

His arms started shaking again, as well as his legs as his mind started catching up to the situation. “Shit!” He cried, punching his fist full of pills against the counter top. His legs slowly bent until he was sitting on the floor, head lying on his arms as he cried. He wanted to do it. He wanted everything to be over. But he was afraid.

What would his brother say to him right now? What would he think, seeing Ciel like this, so weak against other’s words? His brother was always the strong one, always confident and smart and knowing how to deal with people. Ciel could never be like that. Maybe his brother would be happy for him if he did it. He knew his brother always wanted him to be happy, so maybe this was the right choice.

Sucking in a deep breath, Ciel threw the pills into his mouth, swallowed, and slumped back against the wall. He took a deep breath. Then another. And another. Until his world went black.

 

Waking up in a hospital brought back some unwanted memories. Why was he here this time? He couldn’t remember. All he knew is that his head hurt and he felt nauseous. 

“Oh thank god, you’re awake.” Ciel heard a semi-familiar voice speak to his right. When he turned to look, he recognized his visitor as his roommate, Sebastian. He never talked to Sebastian much, or even saw him, as their schedules were almost completely opposite. Sebastian was also quite popular, and therefore out with friends or working on some project when he didn’t have class.

Ciel made a noise of confusion, not trusting his voice to be able to form coherent words at the moment. “I found you passed out on the bathroom floor at like 3 am. I thought you might’ve been drunk or something, but then I saw the bottle of pills and immediately called an ambulance.” Oh, right. He tried to kill himself. Well, this isn’t the best way to have your first conversation with your roommate besides the initial meeting.

“Oh..I’m sorry..” Ciel spoke, voice hoarse after not speaking for so long. Sebastian shook his head.

“There’s no reason to apologize. Although, when you’re discharged, I would like to talk to you about it…if that’s okay?” Sebastian seemed to actually be concerned which greatly surprised Ciel. He’d barely ever seen the man, yet here he was, waiting for him to wake up in the hospital after saving his life. Ciel nodded slowly in response to his question, and the two sat in silence until a doctor came into the room.

When Ciel was discharged after a few hours, with a prescription of weekly therapy, Sebastian was the one to drive them both back to their dorm. He had the radio playing on some popular station, all the songs sounding similar, but they filled the air instead of an awkward silence, and for that Ciel was grateful. 

Sebastian opened the car door for Ciel and walked by his side to the door and elevator, worried for the other’s health. When they got back to their shared room, Ciel immediately fell onto his bed while Sebastian decided to stand. The air was tense as silence fell upon them until Sebastian sighed. “Okay, so I know we don’t really talk or anything, but I am worried about you. You seem like a really great person, and I want to help you.”

Ciel didn’t respond for a while, simply repeating Sebastian’s words in his head He thought he was a great person? They barely saw each other. “Why would you think I’m a good person?” Ciel asked quietly.

“Well,” Sebastian started, walking over to Ciel’s desk. “I always see your text books open and filled with sticky notes and highlighted things. Not to snoop, but the textbooks are always from advanced classes. So from that, I know you’re very intelligent as well as hard working.” Ciel stayed quiet still, so Sebastian went on, picking up an envelope from his desk. “I also see these letters from someone all the time. When I am here, I see you reading them or writing a letter back. Sometimes you’re smiling. From that I can tell you have a good heart and there’s someone out there that makes you happy.”

Ciel was slightly uncomfortable. He wasn’t used to someone complimenting him so honestly, and knowing someone was actually paying attention to little things about him was weird. It wasn’t a bad weird, but a foreign one. “My brother…” He muttered, and when Sebastian raised an eyebrow he elaborated. “The letters. They’re from my brother.” The other nodded, setting down the letter and turning fully to Ciel. 

“I know you’re a good person, and nobody should be feeling so terribly to do what you did.” Sebastian walked closer to Ciel and kneeled down, placing his hand on the smaller boy’s. “I want to help you.”

Ciel frowned. He couldn’t wrap his mind around Sebastian’s logic. “Why would you want to help a freak like me?”

Sebastian shrugged. “To be quite honest, I’m not really sure why myself. But do know that I am actually here for you.” He took Ciel’s hand in his own and gave a small smile. “Let’s make a deal. If you let me help you and tell me when things are bothering you, I will do something in return for you. Just tell me what you want.”

It was a weird feeling to have someone holding his hand and being so close to him. It felt oddly intimate, and it made his brain hurt. But his thoughts were coherent enough to be confused by Sebastian’s deal. “But wait, you wouldn’t get anything out of it! All you’d be doing is helping me!” Ciel definitely didn’t want that. He would feel as though he was using Sebastian, and he would never do that to anyone, especially someone offering him kindness.

Sebastian simply smiled. “I get a friend out of it. Why should I get some sort of reward for doing what I want to do?”

Ciel sighed. He guessed Sebastian was right, but believing that he was that good-hearted was hard. He thought of something he would want Sebastian to do, but he really didn’t want anything other than someone there. “…Fine. If I let you help me, you have to tell me things about yourself. You already know the worst things about me, so I think it’s only fair.”

Sebastian nodded and his smile grew. “If that’s what you want, then sure.” Ciel gave a small smile in return. Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad.

Over the next few months, Ciel and Sebastian grew much closer. Ciel learned a lot about Sebastian, including his love for cats, which sparked an argument between them. ( _“I think we should get a cat for our room.” “I’m deathly allergic to cats!” “Are you serious?! Well, we can’t be friends anymore. I’m breaking up with you.” “You’re an idiot.”_ ) He felt himself become a lot more comfortable with the other man, to the point that he actually felt happy to be around him. Then that happiness turned into something more. Whenever Sebastian would smile, his heart would give him a fuzzy feeling. When Sebastian would sling his arm around him, he would get dizzy and feel light. It was very confusing, and when he worked up the confidence to talk to Sebastian about it, he learned about ‘love’. 

The concept was weird to Ciel, he only knew of the love his family had, and the love him and his brother shared. He never had a crush on anyone in his past, to the point where he thought he was broken. He gave up on a future with a spouse a long time ago. But now, he could see the appeal.

When Sebastian confessed the same feelings to Ciel, they got together instantly. Their relationship wasn’t much different than it was before – they were always play fighting and side by side, nothing new for them. But it was different. They had more intimate moments, and Ciel was glad he didn’t have to live his life without those moments. The first time Sebastian kissed him, Ciel was studying for a test the next day. He was having Sebastian read off his flashcards while he recited the answers, and after Sebastian hadn’t said anything for a bit, Ciel looked up to see mahogany eyes staring at him. “What?” He questioned, and as he was about to say something again, their lips connected. Needless to say, there was no more studying that night.

Ciel’s mental health had gotten much better, and he was able to remove his therapy appointments from his weekly schedule. But sometimes, he would have a bad day or night or moment. Right now, it was a bad night.

He sat upon his bed, curled up on his side and silently crying as his body shook. Sebastian was sitting at his desk on the other side of the room, working hard on some assignment and Ciel didn’t want to disrupt him. He slipped into a bad episode after opening the bathroom cabinet and seeing a bottle of painkillers. There was nothing out of the ordinary, but for some reason seeing a pill bottle just sparked his memory in a negative way. He couldn’t get the memories out of his head. 

When he accidentally hiccupped a bit too loud, he heard Sebastian’s chair move. “Ciel?” His voice was laced with worry. When he walked up to the other’s bed and saw him crying, he immediately moved to lie down with him. He silently wrapped his arms around the smaller boy and rubbed circles on his back, nose resting in his hair. “Everything is okay, my love….You’re okay.” Sebastian whispered, placing slow kisses on Ciel’s forehead. The younger sobbed louder and grabbed his boyfriend’s shirt tightly, giving up at keeping his crying quiet. He stained Sebastian’s shirt with tears, and all the while his boyfriend kept whispering sweet nothings into his head.

When he finally calmed down, he looked up into mahogany eyes with his own red and puffy ones. “I’m sorry…” He choked out, throat raw and sore. Sebastian didn’t reply and simply hugged his lover tighter. 

The two fell asleep there, wrapped in each other’s arms. No words had to be said, because Ciel knew. If Sebastian was by his side, there was nothing he couldn’t face. No demon in his mind could withstand the power he had when Sebastian was there.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Don't be shy, leave a comment or kudos and tell me your opinion!
> 
> Remember that you are loved <3


End file.
